I met John on Tinder in August of 2016. He was very handsome and had decent conversation but despite us hitting it off right away- something seemed off. Being I had just gotten out of a long relationship with a narcissist I wanted to keep my radar on but I also wanted to be sure I wasn’t wearing blinders and putting every guy I met in the “narc bucket”, so I entered at my own risk but had I just paid attention I would have seen the truth from a mile away. We messaged for hours through the night and then finally agreed to meet up the next day. While messaging he immediately made the conversation sexual by stating “he was a very sexual guy” (make note of this- it will be important later). I usually don’t like this tactic this early in but I went with the flow.
Right out the gate on our first date, something was off; I ordered my burger plain (just meat and cheese) and he did too- which I thought was odd because I don’t know many people who like their burgers that way. He also had a “me too” response for everything I said, which made me think he is either a master manipulator or has absolutely no identity of his own- and neither were very sexy.
During dinner we talked for hours and hours and the topic finally comes up regarding what we are both looking for. I start by saying I don’t know what I’m looking for and before I can finish he says “I’m just looking for a companion” (very close to what he thought I wanted to hear) he then says he hasn’t been on a date in 2 years (which was a lie) and that he just wanted someone to hang out with- which I was open to as I really didn’t want to rush into anything. I then agree to go back to his house; we hang out for a while and eventually have sex. Afterwards he says “just laying here with you I feel so comfortable” and “I feel bad for the last guy who lost you, I’m lucky to have you” (red flag # 3). I spend the night and then come back over the next day and stay over that night as well. The next morning I’m getting dressed to rush home and get ready for work and he says “why don’t you just get ready for work here?” (red flag # 4).
We then begin this intense “companionship” with me being over his house EVERYDAY for the next 6 months! Note- this was my first long-term “relationship” since I left my ex-husband. After a couple of days, I sent him a friend request on Facebook and he didn’t accept it. I eventually end up telling him I sent it and for him to accept and he says in a weird tone “okay”- but never does (red flag # 5). After hanging out every day for a week, he sends me a text message on Friday asking if I have a sec- to which I nervously replied yes. I really thought he was going to tell me he had an STD or something. What he actually says was equally mortifying (for me at least) “ hey sweetie, I don’t if we discussed it or not but I have an 8 year old daughter and I have her this weekend and will be MIA unless you want to grab lunch or go to the park with us”. WTF!? Not only did we never discuss it, I told him I didn’t want kids and that I don’t date guys with kids. I was also pissed that he cowardly sent this by text (red flag # 6). That’s also why he didn’t accept the friend request because he didn’t want me to see the pictures of his daughter.
By this time, I’m completely digging him; I’m head over heels in love with the way he makes me feel and so against my better judgement I decided to continue to see him. I felt I needed to go outside my comfort zone to find something different. So I dive in head-first, and it ended up being an absolute nightmare. Come to find out; he has no license, a felony and no money management skills. He got paid weekly and barely could make his money stretch a week. He began borrowing money from me, driving my car (cause it was better in the snow than his) and asking me to watch his daughter- all the while we are NOT a couple (we’re just “kicking it”). I was cooking, lending him money, sleeping there every night and just straight up playing house with him and his daughter.
Fast forward 3 months; by now you would think we would eventually start talking about a relationship after it seemed like things were going so good right? WRONG! Things actually plummeted, we went from having sex twice a day to him never initiating- every time we did anything I had to initiate it, with him sometimes flat out saying no, huffing puffing with attitude during foreplay and at times not even taking all of his clothes off. I finally brought it up and he claimed he was “stressed”. He then just started completely changing; he stopped making coffee in the morning, stopped showing affection, stopped being nice (unless he needed something from me)- it was an absolute Jekyll and Hyde situation. In the beginning he was attentive, kind and affectionate and it blew my mind as it was something I had never experienced. I hung around a lot longer than I should have because I desperately yearned for him to turn back into the man he was in the beginning- but it never happened cause that man was not real- it was a persona he made up to woo me. I checked in with him, asking if he was getting all he needed from this- whatever the hell “this” was and he said he was. Every time I brought up a relationship he would say that it was not what he was looking for until…
Winter came around and his car wasn’t good in the snow so I started to let him use mine, then all of a sudden- lo and behold he is now ready to be in a relationship! At this time I knew this was all the way bad but I so badly wanted things to be back to the way they were, even though I recognized everything that was wrong- I was in complete denial. I then found out from going through his phone (no judgement please) that he was still messaging women on Tinder (even after we became a couple) and he was messaging random girls on FB and it all really started to take a toll on my self-esteem. I began to check out of the “situation-ship” and started making plans to abort the mission. In the months to follow, he began making fun of my clothes, taste in music and food (which I thought we once shared in the beginning, but we really didn’t it was just a part of his narcissistic “love bombing”). He had no communication skills and would get pissed off anytime I called him out for doing anything wrong. To be honest it really started to feel like my relationship with my narcissistic ex-husband- but worse.
Finally by January 2017 I was ready to go; I packed/moved all of my stuff I had at his house while he was at work, then when he got home we had “the talk”. I told him I don’t think we should be having communication/intimacy problems after only 6 months. He said he was not a very sexual person (which completely contradicted what he said in the beginning), and that if I needed sex that much I needed to get a 20 year old- whaaaaaaat??!! He then said if I wanted more sex I should try to be more sexy and that he had never dated a woman who wore sweats as much as I did and that if I wanted to “spice it up” I should leave my work clothes on longer after work. Wow, so many feels went through me at that moment! I cried my eyes out and with one last attempt to see if he was human I poured my heart out to him and he didn’t show a bit of emotion or empathy. During the whole conversation he spoke down to me in a condescending tone that was all too familiar (after hearing my ex speak like this to me for 17 years); he made me feel as if the topics I was bringing up was stupid and unimportant and mostly he made me feel like a sucka.
I left that night, went to the liquor store and sat and cried in my car in front of my house. After leaving, I felt very lost and broken and I truly felt like I needed to detox from him, so we hung out a couple more times until he treated me really bad right around my birthday and gave me the ammo to full blown cuss him out and tell him about himself and then block his #. I feel he stopped being attracted to me early on (or maybe he never was). I think he learned early that I was giving and caring and probably easy to take advantage of. I think he was just was using me for what I could provide to him and I also know he is a full blown narcissist and went through all 3 stages of a traditional narc relationship; idealize, love bomb then devalue. I know I played myself by staying as long as I did and I have so many regrets; the good relationships I may have passed up, the money I spent and the many, many tears I cried.
While I hadn’t heard from him since February 2017, his mean words and behavior still haunt me to this day. The only words of advice I can give to anyone in this situation is to follow your gut/intuition- I could have saved myself months of heartache and buckets of tears had I done so…..