My Level’s of Hurt

I come from a broken home; both of my parents are alcoholics, I had to take care of 4 younger siblings while my mom disappeared for days and I was eventually placed in foster care at age 7.

After being taken from my mom I was sent to live with my paternal Grandma Lula and when I moved in with her my dad just happened to be living in her basement with his girlfriend, their 2 kids and 2 of her kids who were not my dad’s. They were about to move out soon so I assumed I would go with him once he left- nope to my disbelief he left me there for his mother to raise me for 7 years! Only coming to visit a couple times of year, missing all my birthdays and constantly breaking promises. To this day I have never received a reason as to why he left me there while he raised his girlfriends kids who did not even belong to him. That was the beginning of my feeling of being unlovable that resonates in me to this day.

The best part was my grandma hated my mom so of course she extended that hate to me. She mistreated me on a daily for 7 years and went out of her way to make sure my time there was miserable. After being taken from my mom, separated from my sister’s and left by my dad- I really just needed to be loved at that point in my life. In the whole 7 years that I lived with her she never gave me ONE hug, attended any of my school functions or gave me encouragement and when I would say what I wanted to be when I grew up she would tell me that “I wasn’t going to be shit, just like my alcoholic mother”. I’ve been in many foster homes before and after living with her and I can honestly say the worst person I EVER lived with was my own blood….

When I was 14 my mom had her rights restored and she got us back, but unfortunately she relapsed and we were back in foster care before my 15th birthday. With none of my foster parents being interested in adopting a teenager I bounced around the system until I turned 17 and was able to emancipate. I have no family and very few friends so I have nowhere to spend holidays, no one to celebrate my achievements with and I live a very lonely life. As life went on I continued to take care of my sisters due to them living in some pretty bad foster homes the second time around and when I got older and begin working, I bought them school clothes and school supplies, caught the bus to all their school functions and attended their therapy sessions. After I emancipated and bought a condo at 19 I eventually let 2 of them live with me. I currently have no relationship with any of them as they were very entitled and ungrateful. Once they became teenagers they treated me horribly; cussing me out whenever I wouldn’t do something they wanted me to like lend them money. One even cussed me out and said why don’t I die already so they don’t have to hear my mouth anymore and so she could come spit on my casket. They had developed an unhealthy relationship with my mom who was/is still an addict to this day and they chose her over me. Through the years my mom and I have had the “divorced parent” relationship as I was the enforcer; making them go to school and maintain a bed time and she was the “fun” parent who let their boyfriends spend the night when they were visiting her, letting them pretty much do whatever they wanted. In return for giving up my whole childhood and most of my 20’s to them the completely deserted me.

In my teens, I was unable to make close friends because I was bullied and teased constantly at school; being called foster girl in the hallways and having my clothes made fun of which made me completely isolate myself and in addition to my already introverted personality I didn’t make any meaningful friendships until I was in my 20’s. I eventually met a guy my freshman year in high school right as my mom was relapsing and I fell head over heels for him. I ended up marrying him 7 years later and I truly thought it was my turn to be happy and finally have someone love me but after years of emotional abuse and realizing he was a sociopath- I left him after 17 years. While I achieved and overcame much in my life; I bought my first condo at age 19, paid for my own wedding on a golf course at 21, founded a nonprofit that helps youth transition to adulthood and self published a book on Amazon- my ex-husband still succeeded in making me feel absolutely worthless by the time I left him. As I attempted to try and rebuild my life on my own I continued to encounter major setbacks and since I was born it has felt like I have been constantly fighting the universe just to obtain a small sliver of peace and I feel like I was put here to suffer.

Loving adults were scarce in my life but I was very close to my maternal Grandma Adeline (who had custody of my 4 sister’s but I couldn’t live with them because there was no space for me) but I visited on the weekends, holiday’s and during the summer. While I didn’t live with them my Grandma and I had a very close bond and to this day she was the ONLY adult in my life who loved me, cheered me on and made me feel special. When I lost her in 2008, I literally lost a piece of my soul- she was my everything. I’m now here all alone (family wise) and it’s been really rough not having someone to spend holiday’s with, share my achievements with or cry to when I’m having a bad day. Losing her really tested my Faith, as I was angry with God for taking the only person who loved me away and leaving me here by myself. I’m still working my way through this one and I miss her every single day.

While I was dealing with all of the above and attending therapy to try and work through my childhood trauma, the CPTSD and hopelessness I developed from my narcissist ex-husband I got hit with another gut punch.

August of 2018; I was driving home from a work dinner. I was in great spirits, listening to music with my windows down when out of nowhere I hear a loud snap; my wheel locked and my car spinned out in the middle lane on the highway (1 exit from my house). I got out of the car at the scene and was calling 911 but I was unable to hold my head up. As I sat on the side of the road listening to the sirens coming I knew my life would be forever changed. When I arrived at the hospital my left arm was in severe pain and I was screaming. As they cut my clothes off the nurse said “sweetie, we need you to be still because you broke your 6th/7th vertebrae”. I was so devastated and confused. I was put in a halo that night then rushed in for an emergency posterior and anterior fusion surgery. I spent 8 days in the hospital, and then I returned to work 23 days after surgery. I was a bit over zealous and was in heavy denial of how serious these injuries were. I felt because I walked away from this that I would be okay- I was wrong. A month later after increasing my hours at work and attempting to get back to full time, I suddenly began having trouble swallowing and breathing. I went to the ER and it was discovered I had a spinal fluid leak (due to the Doctors nicking my spinal cord in the original surgery and not telling me). I walked around with a leak for a month and the fluid had filled up in my neck and was blocking my airways. I went back into surgery to have my front incision re-opened and drained and had a drain in my neck and a lumbar drain in my back- spending another 11 days in the hospital.

I have been setback free since September, but I just started physical therapy and after a full body x-ray it was discovered my spine is starting to curve and my hips are uneven. I have finally started to really accept my injuries and I’m starting to get serious about the lifestyle changes I need to make. I currently have carpal tunnel symptoms from the C6 break, no feeling in my index/middle finger, pain in my lower lumbar area and extreme pain if I hold my head down too long (to read or look at my phone). I feel ridiculous talking about my struggles since I’m able to walk but I’ve been on my own since I was 14 and this has drastically affected my ability to be independent. I can’t do housework for too long, or lift heavy things and much more. I am currently in a dark depressive state but I’m really trying to pull out of it.

The accident completely derailed my life; in addition to the injuries, my car was totaled, I don’t have my range of motion back and I’m not cleared to drive, I have to rely on others/Uber for rides, I have mountains of legal issues, I’m in pain every day but the most disheartening thing about it is it has completely thrown off my mental state. I was in a very good place the week of the accident and was in the beginning stages of my “pursuit of happiness”; I had just decided to move to California in January 2019, I had planned extensive travel for the remainder of 2018, I paid 2 deposits on big events I was going to attend in 2019 and had fully paid off cruise scheduled in October 2018 but after 2 hospitals stays resulting a total of 19 days in the hospital, 31 days out of work and still not being 100% healthy I was unable to go on my cruise and lost all $750 I paid for it and I lost my 2 deposits I paid for the other events as I was not going to be able to attend those either. This accident completely snatched the life out of me and I lost my zest for life. It’s also been so hard trying to combat all of this by myself. While I’ve taken care of people all of my life; my mom when she was drunk, my sisters, my ex husband and my Grandma when she was sick I feel like no one was put here to take care of me. I’ve taken care of myself and fought to just survive on this earth- and I’m tired of fighting; my soul is exhausted and I just want some peace.

I currently sit here at 35 trying to recover from; two alcoholic parents, a narcissistic mom, my dad not taking me with him, the years of being mistreated and unloved by my his mom, 17 years of abuse from my ex-husband, loss of the only adult in my life who truly loved me, no relationship with the sister’s I gave up a huge portion of my life for, chronic pain for the rest of my life and loads of legal struggles to deal with as a result of the accident. I’m mentally and physically broken and I have so much work to do to feel okay, yet due to life’s gut punches I no longer have the energy to do the work necessary to be happy. I’ve been failed by many therapists who were not knowledgeable enough to deal with my level of trauma, and some did more damage due to victim blaming. I’ve been fighting for happiness all my life and it feels similar to the mythical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

 

xoxo,

Chelsie O.

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